Oranges Can Get You Extra Space In A Mumbai Local

Posted: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 by random_name in
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Yes, you read the title correct. This is no philosophical post where Oranges represent juicy dreams and a Mumbai local is constantly shifting market dynamics. Oranges are still the tangy fruit that you know of and Mumbai local is still that annoying public transport that you are bound to use even though every inch of your body votes against it.

Lets get some definitions straight; for those who don't know what a Mumbai local is like, picture this: 
>> Really LONG trains with compartments which have more than three times the capacity of a London tube.
>> Filled with people during peak hours to the extent that you stand in positions you otherwise thought were impossible.
>> Stuck to each other that one can feel the Woody Allen from the man behind sticking into you with your own probably greeting the man in front.
>> Breathing in the fresh smell of sweat throughout the year from the people around.
>> No air-conditioning.
>> If you lift one leg you may not find space once more to place it down, having being occupied by someone else.

Now, with the above situation firmly in place within your head, how would you like some extra space to relax? Get some REAL fresh air, be sweat free, firmly plant two feet on the floor and have people automatically move out of the way to let you go? Oh yes, all this is possible that to without having to be Harry Potter and has happened in front of my own very eyes. This, my dear friends is already possible for 50% of you, all you need to do is exploit it and can take place for the rest of us only if we make use of some oranges.

The other day, I was traveling with a female friend of mine from Andheri to South Mumbai and she had to alight at Dadar. Unlike me, she didn't have a first class pass and being unable to afford one for a single journey, she decided to buy a general class ticket. Now, Mumbai locals discriminate on the basis of gender. You have separate female compartments and the general compartments. Since almost all women chose to travel with their own kind, its a massive sausage fest inside the general compartment which deters even those few women who might even give it a thought. This bold friend of mine decided to challenge the very foundation of Mumbai local travel and wants to travel regular class in the general compartment, with me as her bodyguard.

What ensued is something that you can never imagine. A morning peak hour train, regular class, general compartment, Churchgate-bound, filled to its very brim with people and the two of us get privilege standing space. That may not sound like much but trust me it is! Getting to stand in one corner, back resting against the wall, wind in the face and arms stretched out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the power of oranges. Not a soul complained and everyone scampered to one corner when she royally alighted from the train without so much as a push or scream.

Ladies, exploit it! Men, get that hair growing, arrange daily fruit supplies and make sure that shaving kit is well-stocked. Well actually, not shaving might just work additionally in your favour. You might get an empty compartment to yourself if you leave people guessing wont you?

Traffic Management Excellence Awards - Part I

Posted: Friday, November 4, 2011 by random_name in
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A new undertaking by me where I congratulate road development and management authorities in India and primarily in Mumbai for their excellent work. By doing this I aim to bring forth the achievement to the entire world to learn and adopt. It's only fair that hard work and effort be rewarded and shown to the entire world.

The first set of awards goes to 'Whoever Manages the Flyovers of Mumbai' for 'Superior Attempts at Traffic Decongestion'. You sir are my mentor and the individual I would look up to all my life. Your excellent skill sets and admirable insight is mind-numbing which I doubt the greatest of minds of the world put together would fail to accomplish. In case you are still wondering why these prestigious compliments are being showerd upon you, please allow me to explain myself in the following illustration.

 

Above is an overhead illustration of what Mumbai's Western Express Highway looked like somewhere around 1995. The highway was dotted with traffic junctions which allowed people to turn into the city which subsequently cause major traffic havocs. In order to get over this, you sir, an officer at the MMRDA (Mumbai Metropolitan Regional Authority) deviced a ground breaking plan where every junction would have a flyover running above it in order to avoid the traffic snarls. Yes indeed, this idea was fabulous and did indeed bring a lot of respite to daily commuters. Please refer following illustration

 

 So now you hop, skip and jump over every junction and do not climb the flyover for any exit into the city. This worked fine and smooth for roughly about 10 years. As you must be aware, India is now the second largest and fastest growing economy of the world. It is an achievement to be proud of but there is also a flipside to this. Due to this tremendous growth, people's paycheck increases and when that happens they buy more things like televisions, laptops, houses and CARS. With more cars adding onto the road each and every day, your ingenious solution showed its true prowess. This achievement is so great that I have no words for it (literally) and hence I will showcase you another piece of my fine artistary.


 
Allow me to explain the depth of the above caricature. With so many flyovers being built almost above every intersection soon made the highway like a never ending camels hump back where the moment you get off one flyover, another one begins. Traffic wishing to join the highway (yellow line) had to cut sharply to the right in order to get on to the flyover. Traffic wishing to get off the highway (red line) had to cut sharply to the left in order to avoid getting on the next flyover. With no system in place to ensure smooth exit and entry onto the highway, traffic incoherently swivled in the direction of choice with frequent disasters occuring. These disasters would have a catastrophic chain of events on the traffic lining up behind them which soon led to serpentine and slow moving ques across the length and breadth of the highway.

Master, I bow down to your remarkable insight and ground-breaking achievement that you so devised and hailed upon us. My utmost respect and admiration goes out to you. Once again, I have no words, only MS Paint.



 A traffic signal! Ingenious I tell you! A puzzle that would baffle Einstein and you gave us the most obvious solution, install a traffic signal right at the foot of the flyover. But wait a minute, wasn't the flyover created to avoid a traffic signal?
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So if you would install a traffic signal at the foot of every flyover, wont it be 1995 all over again?
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And then will you, in all your intelligence, create another flyover to fly over the current flyover?
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Mumbai, Year: 2020

  
Dont believe me? Take a look for yourself! (Bandra juntion, October, 2011.)

(Image coming soon)

DNA article: http://www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report_new-signal-adds-to-bandra-traffic-woes_1323416